My Published Writing - Parenting

Grieving Kids:
Helping children understand and cope with death
during the holidays and all year-round

Published December 2001 in Parents Express, Philadelphia

        The phone rings and you receive the shocking news that a close friend or family member has died suddenly. Your head reels. You’re numb, unable to think or move. Then you hear the children laughing and playing with their Barbie dolls in the other room. Before you have a moment to digest the horrid news, your thoughts turn to them: "Oh my goodness, what do I tell the children? Should I tell them?"

One of the known facts of life is that eventually we will face the reality of death - the death of friends and family members and ultimately our own death. Yet death is a fact of life that we shun. However, we can’t shield our children from this reality, especially since September 11th when they, like the rest of us, learned of the demise of several thousand people in New York City, DC, and Western Pennsylvania.

As the result of murders in schools across the country, even the youngest elementary school kids have been instructed about what to do if a stranger with a weapon enters the building. A somber thought, but kids today confront the fear of death at an early age. We might as well teach them what it means and how to grieve in ways that are healthy.

"Parents need to understand that if you are old enough to love, you are old enough to grieve," says Janis Keyser, PhD, co-director of the Center for Grieving Children, Teens and Families at St. Christopher’s Hospital. "When the attachment is severed, there is going to be some kind of reaction."

Often adults hesitate to discuss death with children because they think kids won’t understand the loss involved. Even infants can perceive a loss at some level. They recognize voices and smells familiar with people who care for them on a regular basis. When Dad’s aftershave is suddenly gone, they might not know that their father died, but do know that something has changed. It becomes a loss which they carry with them as they grow and develop says Keyser.

Many people believe the myth that children are more resilient than adults and therefore bounce back quicker. It’s not something that just happens or that kids just have automatically.

"Resiliency really grows out of adults caring and listening and being good models to them," says Keyser. "And out of having adults and other kids that you know that you can talk to and share experiences so you know that you are not alone."

Being up front and using the words "death" and "dead" rather than the metaphor of "passing away," is preferable. While parents may hesitate to say, "Grandpop died," toddlers and young elementary school aged children are very literal and will be confused by imprecise language meant to protect them. Telling them that someone has "gone away," may cause fears of future abandonment. Telling them that a deceased family member "looks like he’s sleeping," may cause a myriad of sleepless nights. While the word "dead" may be unpleasant to use, it is the truth. When one dies life as we know it ends.

Young children often have trouble dealing with the irreversibility of death, says Keyser. A 4 year old might go to a funeral and see their grandparent in a casket and then expect them to show up the following week for a planned family gathering. Adults aren’t immune from this form of death denial. It takes a while for anyone to get used to the fact that a loved one is no longer physically present.

When someone dies, most kids are filled with questions that they will ask on their own if you follow their lead. Going with the flow of their questions is much better than trying to force the issue yourself.

"Children want to know, where have they gone? How did it happen? How long are they going to be away?" says Yvonne Kaye, PhD, internationally known counselor and death expert. "My definition of grief is that it is a list of unanswerable questions. And that is important because this is a situation where we really don’t know [what happens after death]. We all have our belief systems, that there is another life, or an afterlife, or there is a heaven, but nobody really, really knows."

Honesty about your personal belief system and what you think about death is important to children. If you believe in heaven or an afterlife, tell them up front. It will be a comfort to them to hear that you are willing to state what you believe. If they can talk with you about death as a fact of life, it’s a good indication to them that they’ll be able to talk about most anything as they grow up.

Parents need to be aware that young children don’t often verbalize their feelings about the death of someone they love. According to Kaye, they "internalize," or work it out inside themselves or through their play. She often uses art and drawing with children to unmask those hidden feelings.

Music therapy, movement, dance, games, journaling or diary keeping, writing poems or letters to the deceased, anything that will allow a child to constructively and openly express their feelings, are often used by grief counselors.

"Creative grieving is allowing yourself to grieve," says Kaye, "to recognize that whatever way you do it, there aren’t any rules and as long as you don’t hurt yourself, you must go through it."

When it comes to funerals, it is better to give kids options in decision making as to whether or not they should attend the viewing and the funeral. Options will empower them and help them recover that sense of control that they lose when learning of the death of a loved one. Ultimately even a young child knows what s/he can handle and may even develop their own creative way of dealing with the death.

Most funeral directors are open to the needs of children in the funeral process. Some even have lounges with toys for children or offer coloring books to give some sense of normality to their lives at a difficult time.

"There are a lot of neat concepts out there that allow children of all ages to participate," says James Steeley, Funeral Director of the Betty Meier Steeley Funeral Home, Sellersville, PA.

There are white ash caskets that allow family and friends to write last messages on the casket of their loved one. Steeley says this casket was used after the Columbine High School deaths.

"If you don’t get a casket that you can write on, we always encourage the children, let’s say if it is for their grandfather, to write a note to grandpa," he says. "Draw a picture, do something on the computer. We’ve had grandchildren place their favorite baseball cap or baseball in the casket, or anything that reminds them of the connection."

Many families have mementoes on display at the funeral home or church that include pictures boards and items that remind the survivors of the hobbies and interests of the deceased. Some kids write poems or stories to read at the funeral. Steeley encourages families to ask children to participate in the selection of memento and pictural displays. He sees a funeral not as a gruesome event but as an opportunity for a family to memorialize the deceased and present one last peaceful "memory picture," of their loved one.

"I’m really big on the fact that we are providing this one last opportunity to say goodbye," says Steeley. "We as humans need to see our loved ones. We need to see death. We need to process that our loved one is not alive anymore."

Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. In fact, it never really ends, we just learn to live with a loss and go on with our life. Significant events and transitions in our lives can reopen the door to forgotten grief.

"One of the things that children do is that they grieve developmentally across their life span," says Donna Young, Program Co-Coordinator, of Safe Harbor, the Center for Grieving Children, Teens and their Families at Abington Hospital.

"So if a child has lost a parent, they grieve now. In five years, a child who is in elementary school now may grieve a parent when they get a promotion from 6th grade, or when they get to 8th grade and graduate, or when they get to high school. Or that father-daughter dance, or when they are involved in sports and Mom loved soccer and she is not there to watch now," says Young.

It’s important to be able to talk about feelings and losses throughout all the stages of growing. If not expressed, kids will act out their buried feelings in ways that are often inappropriate such as bullying other kids in school, a change in school grades, risk taking behavior, or the use of drugs and alcohol. Any change, good or bad, in a child’s usual behavior should be noted, as it may indicate a problem in dealing with their grief. This includes eating patterns, sleeping patterns, friendships, sudden isolationism, according to Kaye. The variables are as different as the individual child and his/her personality. That’s why there is no one way to grieve or to express your feelings.

Grief is a painful journey for people of any age, but traveling through it can make one stronger and more prepared to handle future losses and isn’t that the hope of every parent, to have strong, resilient children?

So put down the phone and go tell the kids that a family member has died. And then listen to their questions. They’ll tell you what they need to know.

Copyright 2001 Susan M. Lang

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